The 7 Saddest Questions On Yahoo Answers

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Asking a question and hoping for an honest answer is an anxiety-inducing situation for everyone from sixth-graders who need help with their homework to columnists strolling into the White House press briefing room. But there is one place on the internet that wants to encourage people to not be afraid, a place that really believes that there is no such thing as a stupid topic. And that place is Yahoo Answers, home of the stupid topic. Regrettably, Yahoo’s question asking population softly descended into madness when no one was looking.

7

“What Song Is[ Insert Gibberish Onomatopoeia Here ]? ”

In 2008, the Shazam app gave us the ability to press a button on our phones and learn the name and artist of that riling chant playing over the speakers in the grocery store. The difficulty with Shazam, nonetheless, is that it can’t decipher humming, whistling, or even your best strive at not butchering the chorus. Fortunately, Yahoo Answers is there to fill in the gaps Shazam has left behind. Behold 😛 TAGEND

After probably having alienated all their loved ones by continuously humming to them, a astonishingly large number of very optimistic people come to Yahoo Answers to ask the impossible: for others to realise a chant based on them typing out the beat phonetically. If simply there was a better style to write down music that would make this process unbelievably easy.

Usually, it works as well as you’d expect 😛 TAGEND

But, and it beggars impression, this lunatic technique can actually operate. Occasionally, two people with the same brain defect meet, solve the unsolvable puzzle, and by the laws of the cosmos must invest their lives together as soulmates.

While some of these e-hummers have to be joking, the sheer sum of questions like these prove that there are people legitimately trying to figure out how to recreate music from random noises like they’re in the most underprepared community theater version of The Sound Of Music ever. And yet that might make this the most beautiful corner of the internet. Because when they solve the madness, it’s magical. And even though they don’t, it shows the internet at its most useful and benevolent.

6

Trying A Spell To Transform Into A Mythical Creature

If the writers of Season 13 of Supernatural are operating low on plot ideas( and surely they must be, as there are only so many excuses for Jensen Ackles to take his shirt off ), someone should tell them about Yahoo Answers, a place that houses the most secrets of arcane lore: the ability to change a human being into many different animals. At least, that think this is the opinion of a whole bunch of people scouring the website for these spells.

Not that they all want to be converted into horrible animals of the night, feasting on the blood of whatever gym coach wronged them. Some folks only require help turning into a mermaid.

Ironically, others who already are mermaids need help turning into humen. Surely, there’s a style to kill two fish people with one stone here? It can’t be harder to find a Freaky Friday incantation than two whole polymorph spells, right?

For what is essentially a harmless group of confused people, the website reveals two disheartening tendencies. The first is that all of these people seem to be very well aware that people are going to make fun of them. Even most liberal-minded folks have a hard time not openly scoffing at the concept of Otherkin, a group of( not ?) people who is argued that their own bodies does not match their species. If you believe that spiritually you’re an earthworm, follow your bliss and don’t misstep the tap of bird feet for rain.

Much more deserving of some mockery are the numerous people who are really into telling these folks why it’s not possible be transformed into another species. Severely, look at the replies below any of those perfectly harmless questions. People go nuts. One person who claims to be a nurse responded with a nearly thousand-word essay explaining to a young girl why she fundamentally can’t has become a werewolf. Who precisely do we need to feel sorry for in that situation?

5

Asking For Porn Instead Of, You Know, Searching For It

It’s 2017. Porn is more easily accessible than clean drinking water. No more hiding magazines under a boulder in the timbers , no more awkward conversations with a cashier, and no more low-res boobs. So why in the tittyshitting hell are people asking other humen for porn on Yahoo Answers?

Only now getting into emo porn? Who are these people who didn’t experience their sexual arouse alongside the triumphant rise of My Chemical Romance? Apparently, some folks have never heard of Rule 34, which of course also includes plenty of zombie porn and/ or hentai for all to discover.

If we’re being honest, the answers are more alarming than the questions. Zombies are entirely asexual”? Maybe you’re simply not their type, friend. And who is this user with just enough self-awareness to not look up hentai at school, but who is then spending their study hour searching Yahoo Answers for porn novices? Similarly, if you know what “Yaoi” is( we did not ), you should probably know where the hell to find it better than the random yahoo in Yahoo Answers.

But not all of these innocents are as innocent as they seem. Which brings us to Tumblr user “whitechickslovesasiandicks, ” who likes to ask questions like these 😛 TAGEND

He’s also not helping his cause by posting a video that was obviously filmed as part of a Human Resource seminar. And make no mistake, WCLAD has a cause, which is why he starts answering his own questions — and being super obvious about it 😛 TAGEND

It seems his questions show up often enough on Yahoo Answers that people want to know how to stop him. At least we know now what he actually gets off to: anything with a circlejerk.

4

People Are Aiming Questions To Christians For No Clear Reason

When in doubt, Christians have a handy saying that can guidebook them through difficult decisions: What Would Jesus Do? And while the real answer would be either “Give everything away to the poor” or “Freak out at the metal horse racing down the street, ” merely asking the issues to can give people the necessary perspective to figure things out. But what do non-Christians do when faced with a tough topic? They can’t ask Christ for answers, after all. But thanks to Yahoo Answers, they can ask a Christian.

Yahoo! Answers
“Of course there are male felines — though they have one less rib.”

Without getting into the Great Garfield Gender Debate, there’s no reason to direct this kind of question to Christians as a whole. The questions aimed at Christians vary on a scale from “Normal” to “Batshit on a Unicycle Tire.” Basically, what’s most bizarre here is that these folks seem to think that Christians aren’t normal, everyday people. They’re treating different systems of impression like they’re different alien entities.

Yahoo! Answers

Yahoo! Answers
“Hope atheists like it 500 degrees … like in Hell ! ”

We get it, perhaps it seems like Christianity is a bastion of inclusion. Jesus hung out with the lowest of the low in society, so it was able to make sense that Christians could help this poor fella out with his social skills. Nonetheless , not all of these seem to be pleas from the wretched.

Look, we dislike to stereotype, but if you’re asking Christians about autoes, you’re most likely going to end up driving a hatchback with a fish sticker on the rear bumper. Likewise, seem free is of the view that they’re too busy. On a related note, they’re also not specially trained to advise you on whether or not to set a deposit down on a two-bedroom condo.

Although …

3

People Are Truly Frets About Their Skin Changing Color

While we dislike to get political about the ludicrous realm that is Yahoo Answers, it seems that our fragile social climate has reached its shores. Every day, people flock to the website with their important questions about skin color. Questions like 😛 TAGEND

As we’ve written before, bathing in coffee is entirely fine. Enjoy your buzz. What constructs this an issue is that way too many people are starting to believe that humans are in fact chameleons.

Luckily, one answer seemed to have a firm grasp on the situation 😛 TAGEND

Though we understand fully why it is would get worried about becoming part of the much-maligned cult of orange people.

The reality is that it’s technically a thing that could happen, but mostly to children. It’s nothing to seriously worry about. Same for the people who are freaking the holy hell out over jewelry becoming their scalp green. It’s nothing to panic over.

2

How To Build Torso Parts Grow

All humankinds on the internet have been offered a relate that promises secrets to enlarge their fun-carrot. But eventually, those kinds of secrets require a charge card( we’ve hear ). To find free help for enhancing your body parts — and we do signify all body parts — once again Yahoo Answers comes to the rescue.

Most questions do revolve around the fun zones, but hint at a sad history in which the askers are clearly innocent folks who weren’t taught what they need to know. Look, there are numerous critics of the style sexuality ed works in this country, and most of them tend to forget that sexuality ed isn’t just about sexuality, but also about the numerous changes a person’s body will go through in puberty. So when the organizations of the system fails our minors, they have no choice but to turn to the sages from Yahoo Answers for their Q’s about enlarging their boobs or penis.

But no body part is safe from these anxieties. It seems that many teens worry their own bodies won’t grow on their own, but require a helping hand. Kids are worrying about everything from teeth growing affecting their braces, to eyebrow growing, to bicep growing. Let’s hope Yahoo Answers is as ineffectual as it seems, because if these kids ever get their wish, there are going to be some fucked-up Cronenbergian humen milling around in a few years.

1

Spam Conspiracy Theory Madness

Much like syphilis, conspiracy assumptions are fun to spread and hard to get rid of. It should come as no surprise that Yahoo, with its terrifyingly bad security, has get the conspiracy flaw. And as Yahoo’s crotch, Yahoo Answers seems to be taking the brunt of the infection. But instead of the typical local daughters/ quick weight loss spam, Yahoo Answers is being flooded with conspiracy theories.

That same answer was posted to multiple separate questions pertaining to leg ache, one about getting was denied by a woman, and another about cleaning a library. There’s little rhyme or reason to it, but it seems that there’s more than one person spreading similar material. They start with some wildly unnecessary explanation of how to make the Christian Sign of the Cross, condemns a bunch of other religions, and then proceed to describe a whole bunch of Russian Orthodox gibberish that would make even Vladimir Putin rolling his eyes.

That screencap is from one guy who has been at this shit for years. He started off with small-scale paragraphs like the one up there, but over day, his madness has grown. Nobody seems amused.

He retains running — and we maintain telling “he” because it’s impossible to see this guy looking like anything other than Alex Jones with a fedora. And over day, he’s even added sources and tacked them onto the bottom of his “answers.” He’s quoting photos from LiveJournal , which most people will remember was largely populated by seventh-graders who belief bands like Linkin Park were “edgy.”

Yahoo Answers might have had its place in “the worlds”, but at this phase, all it seems to be good for is harboring the internet’s “chaotic neutral” population. So thanks for running the asylum, Yahoo Answers.

Isaac never wants to have to take a screengrab again. He’s also on Twitter and Instagram .

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