Should You Still Be Hoarding Birth Control Or Nah? An Update On Planned Parenthood


After walking contraception ad Donald Trump was elected President back in November over the most qualified candidate our commonwealth has ever seen( still not over it, in case you couldn’t tell ), sexually active ladies everywhere rushed to Planned Parenthood for long term birth controlIUDs, for example, last an entire presidential termjust in case the GOP ever made good on their promise to defund Planned Parenthood, repeal Obamacare, and build us all live in. Whether you moved for an IUD, the implant, a nuvaring, or only stocked up on four years worth of capsules, long term birth control was definitely the move in the immediate aftermath of the election, but what about now? Were almost 100 days into the Trump Presidency( 100 days= a decade in Trump Years) and hes yet to score a single legislative succes( but hopefully I didn’t only jinx it ). Paul Ryans healthcare reforms blew up so hard that it reached getting-your-period-in-white-pants-while-giving-a-book-report high levels of embarrassing, the Muslim Ban isn’t held up in courtroom, and the Senate had to blow up the filibuster only to get his Supreme Court nominee passed. As far as Trumps ability to do literally anything, its not looking good. But like, that’s not a challenge or anything, Donald. Keep on doing what you’re( not) doing.

So can we chill? Is it time to hang up our pussy hats and go back to only thinking about our gynecologist at our annual check up( or bi-annual STD frighten )?

Unfortunately , no. While Trump has not really been able to do any of hard stuff( governing, spelling, having mane, etc) it turns out that fucking with womens health is actually somewhat easy “if youre trying to” motivated to do so and the President Of The United States.

Since taking office, Trump and his woman-hating monkey boy Mike Pence, have made at least two significant is moving forward the defunding Planned Parenthood front, but before we even get into that, its probably best to define what exactly “defunding Planned Parenthood signifies because, like most things, its not what Donald Trump thinks it means.

First of alland well say this one loudly for people in the back none of the federal monies Planned Parenthood receives go toward abortions . None. Zip. Nada. Not one dollar. Not even a fun, jokey Venmo for 50 pennies. Nothing. So don’t even try me with the “I don’t crave my tax dollars money abortions” line.

This is because of a federal statute passed in September 1976 “ve called the” Hyde Amendment, which bars public monies from going toward abortion except in the case of rape, incest, or the life of the mother being at bet. Despite democratic attempts to repeal the amendment, Paul Ryan passed H.R 7 on January 24 th, 2017 which is making an effort to build the Hyde Amendment permanent. Thats also only 4 days after Trump became President( you probably refer to it as the worst day of my life ), which shows you just how desperate PR was to take away womens rights. Like, if this is indicative at all of his texting style hed be the guy who fulfils you once and then starts texting you hey beautiful everyday. And as Paul learned when trying to pass his shitty healthcare bill , nobody likes that guy. Sigh. It’s always the hot ones who disappoint you the most.

So, much like when youre mad at your boyfriend for liking some Instagram simulates butt selfie so “youre starting” a fight about the correct way to load a dishwasher, when we talk about defunding Planned Parenthood, were really talking about something else. Basically, defunding Planned Parenthood signifies that the government would refuse to refund Planned Parenthood for the mammograms, contraception, cervical cancer checks, STD screenings, pap smears, and annual checkups they conduct for roughly 4 million ladies each year.

This is like if Planned Parenthood set its card down for guzzles so you could avoid annoying the server and having to do math, and then the GOP refused to accept the Venmo request afterwards. Eventually, Planned Parenthood isnt going to be able to set its card down anymore because it doesnt given sufficient fund in checking to cover everybody’s shit, and now Happy Hour is ruined for everyone. And by Happy Hour we mean your sex life and reproductive health.

According to the Congressional Budget Office, defunding Planned Parenthood would be disastrous for people Mike Pence refuses to be alone with( all women ), and would lead to 15% of low incoming ladies losing their healthcare entirely, and thousands of others births per year. So basically, think of that one pal who you know should absolutely not ever produce a child. Defund Planned Parenthood, and they’ll probably have one. Maybe two. All named dumb shit like “Amabella” or “Prosecco.” Just think about that.

So where are we, and our platinum vagines, at now? Heres a rundown of the actions the Trump Administration has taken to restrict womens access to healthcare 😛 TAGEND

1. Reinstated A Ban On Abortion Funding Overseas.

One of Trumps first activities in office( besides going around and farting on all of Obamas old stuff, which I accept he did immediately after being sworn in) was to reinstate the Mexico City policy, established by Ronald Reagan in 1984. This regulation blocks federal funding for international groups that render abortions, or actively promote the procedure, so if you were thinking that youd only become your failure to use adequate birth control into a pretext for a vacay, you are sadly mistaken. I mean, you still could, but you’d be returning to the U.S. with a much needed tan and an unwanted newborn, which isn’t really a great look for anyone.

2. Stimulated It Easier For State To Deny Funding To Planned Parenthood.

Last week, while the majority of members of us were confused by the impending threat of world nuclear warfare, Trump casually signed legislation that constructs it easier for states to defund Planned Parenthood by rolling back changes to Title X Family Planning Funding President Obama put in place that mentioned nations couldnt deny funding to family planning services simply because they render abortions. What this signifies is basically if you live in the liberal bubble, your Planned Parenthood is fine( for now ), but if “youre living in” a shitty ruby-red country like Kansas or Arkansas or literally the entire middle of the two countries, you should get your birth control on lock now because the fate of Planned Parenthood in your country is about as solid as Nick and Vanessas engagement.

For those of you betches living in Maryland, youre in luck. MD was the first country to say that it will protect PPs funding, regardless of what all federal departments mentions, so now is as good a hour as ever to eventually build your parents Ocean City house your actual permanent residence.

3. Told PP He Wouldnt Defund Them As Long As They Stopped Doing Abortions.

In a last-ditch effort to save his sad-ass health care bill, Trump offered Planned Parenthood a bargain: keep your federal funding, but stop doing abortions. Thats like a guy telling you hell take you out to dinner, but you have to agree to leave your telephone at home. Its only not going to happen. And much like you when that same dude hittings you up to Netflix and Chill a week afterwards, Planned Parenthood rejected the offer.

So, all of this is to say that, while it is heartening to see the level of incompetence the Trump Administration has shown in even the most basic tasks( apart from bombing people, which he appears to have gotten the hang of very quickly ), looking into long term birth control alternatives, whether it be an IUD, the implant, or get your tubes tied and moving to the woods, is likely still a very good mind. As is donating to Planned Parenthood, specially donating directly to red country clinics that are in danger, so that PP can keep doing its thing no matter what The Trump Administration throws its way. You could make it your weekly mission to find at least one bro to buy you a beverage at the bar, and then donate the money you saved by being attractive to the Planned Parenthood of your option. That way, you can lay the groundwork for future hookups, and protect yourself from any unwanted maternities that hookup may bring, with one well placed across the bar eye-fucking. Its a beautiful thing.

Oh, and if youre hoping that First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump will swoop in and save us here, youre delusional. To stop build Ivanka Trump as a Savior To Women happen. Its not going to happen.

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