How to make your vagina AHCA compliant


Woman with chastity belts at the Tate Modern in 2016
Image: carl court/Getty Images

Under Paul Ryan’s masterful healthcare bill, insurance companies will no longer be required to cover terrible people with pre-existing conditions including the condition of having a vagina.

Sure, the law doesn’t technically use the word vagina (Mike Pence likely had a problem with it). But it will allow insurers to decide not to cover maternity care or birth control and charge more for sinners with pre-existing medical conditions that, pre-Obamacare, disproportionately affected women.

Ladies, fear not: We’ve got the hottest style tips to make sure your vagina is AHCA-compliant.

Women have plenty of reasons to love, love love the AHCA they’ve just got to do a little rebranding.

Here’s how.

About to give birth? Have a ‘Ladies Night Out’ in your bathroom!

As the House GOP knows better than anyone else, real women don’t *need* maternity care. And hospitals are expensive! When your baby’s ready to pop, simply gather up your best girlfriends and your favorite painkillers and opt for a “Ladies’ Only!” party in the bathroom.

Exchange ultrasounds for a bunch of strangers asking to touch your belly

It’s free and everybody besides you has so much fun doing it!

Replace C-sections with cries into the void

Obamacare prevented insurers from discriminating against women who’ve had C-sections and blah blah blah who cares?

Next time you’re struggling to push out a baby, forego the C-section and consider a cry to the heavens or a scream into the void, depending on your religious affiliation. It’s both super vintage and affordable!

Trade your gynecologist for the WebMD symptom checker

Your insurer will never know about any pre-existing conditions if you never go to the doctor! Check out the comments sections on WebMD for the best uninformed DIY medical advice for your vagina.

Consider a chastity belt.

The best way to prevent STDs, some of which, pre-Obamacare, were considered pre-existing conditions, is to simply never ever have sex. Who needs love and intimacy when you can have unnecessary sacrifice?

Replace breast pumps with these adorable tea towels

Image: anthropologie

Obamacare made it possible to get your breast pump covered by insurance. Now, if you can’t afford a breast pump, you can go back to a manual hand pump, use your hands or just try these cute patterned tea towels from Anthropologie.

Don’t tell your doctor you’re depressed. Tell this awesome Moleskine journal!


Why tell your doctor that you’re experiencing post-partum depression when the insurance industry could use it against you later as evidence of a nasty pre-existing condition? Just whisper it into this really quirky journal instead. Problem solved!

Adopt the vintage rhythm method

Affordable and, if you’re religious, on brand. Just remember: unplanned births only happen to women with loose morals.

Die and come back as a man

Image: ap/rex/shutterstock

The best way to prevent your vagina from becoming a pre-existing condition is to simply never have one in the first place. Consider being born with different chromosomes, and remember blessed be the fruit!

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