Can Trumps Hair Survive Inauguration Day?

A whirlwind of questions surround the future theoretical Donald Trump administration. But the first one theyll have to address is how Donald Trumps mop of mane is dealing with the wind on Capitol Hill on Inauguration Day.

Trumps locks are art fulfills disarray, like a drunk Bridget Riley painting, like a performance of Swan Lake if half of the dancers started doing Fosse choreography in the middle of the second act. It zooms in all directions like a follicular spaghetti junction. Penn Jillet described it as cotton candy made of piss.

In recent years, Donald Trumps hair has become the subject of widespread speculation and fascination. Despite the president-elects insisting that he grew every strand of it himselfbacked up by the mane tousling that will likely define Jimmy Fallons career long after climate change has submerged his New York City studio in salt watersome proof describe that assertion into question. Gawkers Ashley Feinberg concluded after a lengthy investigation that Trumps hair was likely a $60,000 weave constructed by a hair restoration expert with an office in Trump Tower. An unauthorized 1993 biography of Trump claimed that hed undergone a plastic surgery procedure wherein balding parts of the scalp are removed and the scalp over the brain is stretched together and sewn shut. Mens Health found that hypothesi truthy in the Stephen Colbert sense; it felt right that Trumps combover would be designed to hide something, like the scar from flap surgery.

On the campaign trail, Trump continued a crimson Make America Great Again cap plopped on his noggin, thus maximizing his audiences exposure to his campaigns catchphrase. That baseball hata bit of an anachronism for a self-proclaimed billionaire who normally outfits himself in only the uniform of the cartoon aristocratwas on his head nearly every time the now-president-elect went outdoors, every time he stood on a rostrum and screamed about Mexicans into a microphone. But somebody familiar with a few of the character traits for which Trump is famousvanity, obsession with the appearing of caveman virilitymight interpret the MAGA hats sartorial ubiquity differently. Perhaps the hat isnt simply a canny branding endeavor. Perhaps the hat is the only thing between The Donald and a pileous calamity. After all, like Donald Trump rally attendees and Donald Trump rally protesters, the wind and Donald Trumps hairhave not historically gotten along. Put simply, the Make America Great Again cap may be an important branding tool, but that may not be its sole purpose. It may additionally function as a style to keep Donald Trumps hair from dividing from his scalp enough to have indicated that the monarch has no clothes. Or functional mane follicles.

Donald Trumps reliance on a hat to keep his mane in check could turn out to be a problem on Jan. 20, 2017, when he is inaugurated as chairman of the United States. According to data from the National Weather Service, the weather has cooperated with only a few presidential inaugurations. In 1981, Ronald Reagan was sworn in at a balmy 55 degrees. But on his second inauguration in 1985, he wasnt so lucky; the weather was so cold that the swearing-in ceremony had to be moved indoors. John F. Kennedy was inaugurated the day after the sky fell 8 inches of snow on the District. FDRs second inauguration took place in the rainfall. Despite the unpredictability of the weather, chairwomen do not traditionally wear hats for the ceremony. A quick perusing of the last several inaugurations shows that not one president since the midway phase of the 20 th centurynot Obama, either Bush, Clinton, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy, or Eisenhowerwore a hat while being sworn in. What will Trump do about his mane without the crutch of the MAGA hat?

The uniqueness of whatever Trumps hair is assures that traditional redress wig-wearers strive in inclement weather wont do. If Trump wore a toupee, for example, he could just have his Secretary of Artifice Maintenance double stay that sucker down before he ventured out into the elements. If Trump wore a cord wig, he could rely on the craftsmanship of the piece to appear natural despite the occasional unpredictable breeze. But because at least some component of his mane is authentically attributed to his head and because, whatever the coiffure is, its patently a combover of some kind, hes get few options. Online combover styling tutorials recommend strategic employ of product. But hairspray or styling creme or pride wax is simply run in so far before becoming a combover into a helmet, and the puffiness of Trumps preferred style means that his options are severely limited.

Theres ever the possibility that Trump could opt to break with tradition in January and debut a more reverent hat. But what sort of hat would be appropriate for such an event? A fedora? A fez? A Make America Great Again top hat? All of these selections would be just as jarring as if The Donald proved up for one of the most serious and important ceremonies in American republic wearing a cherry-red baseball hat emblazoned with an ad motto. Theres likewise the issue of removing the cap at the moment he places his hand on the Bible and stands opposite Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts; he cant very well leave it on, but taking it off could be a real calamity. A hat that can both keep Donald Trumps hair from flipping up like the eyelid of a tin can and be removed without agitating his elaborated series of slick backs and forwards would be a truly historical feat of haberdashery.

Without the ability to effectively shellac his mane down with products or headwear, Team Trump could be forced to explore structural redress. They could demand a little marriage altar-like structure be erected over the scene of the Capitol Hill swearing in, but that, too, would break with tradition and programme the image that Trump is a wimp who cannot manage being outdoors without establishing a safe space for his mane within it. It would also give the awkward appearing that Donald Trump and Chief Justice John Roberts are getting married.

The only real solution here is prayer. Team Trump must be free to threw their over-lotioned hands together at the palms and gaze heavenward, praying to the universes apathy that maybe, maybe things will be bad enough on Jan. 20 that the whole thing get canceled. Maybe a rainstorm will move the whole thing indoors, maybe it will be dangerously cold. But the likelihood of either of those things happening is slim. Whats more likely is that Trump will need to hope that the breeze over the National Mall at noon, like the breathers of Americans bearing witness, catches momentarily, in its instant of surprise, and falls still.