I was on tinder this weekend at my family’s 4th of July party and got my only female cousin on my screen. I clicked yes as a joke… it was a match. We never talked about that.
I downloaded the app when I was pledging my fraternity. The brothers wanted us to just swipe right for every girl we saw and invite them to parties. Anyways, I saw this decent looking girl and just sent an extremely vulgar request for sex without really thinking about it. She surprisingly agreed and met me in my dorm the next day. She was much bigger than her pictures showed, but I just though “fuck it”. Worst. Decision. Of. My. life. She had the worst smelling vagina I’ve ever smelled. It literally made me gag. To make it worse she forced a 69 on me. I could barely breath in that smelly bastille. The smell was sour like old milk that was dropped in sweat. After fucking she asked me to eat her out, I tell her it’s not my thing and she calls me an asshole and leaves! I showered twice and couldn’t get the smell off me. I had to throw away my sheets and requested for a new bed from the dorm. Fuck Tinder pussy.
This happened a few months ago. I decided to give Tinder a shot since I haven’t had a girlfriend in quite some time. I hit it off with this one girl. She’s cute, a little nerdy, and brunette which is just my type. She invites me over to her apartment where we just talked for a while. After about 30 minutes or so we started making out. We were really getting into it and then she put her hand down my pants and started giving me a pretty uncomfortable hand job in jeans. She took them off eventually, gave me a sexy stare and then just went to town with her mouth. I’m pretty sexually inexperienced so this was a whole new world to me. I’m close to blowing my load and I tell her, but she just kept going. She swallowed and I had the best orgasam I’ve ever had. After that I decided I needed to return the favor. So I take her pants and panties off and go down on her for the first time. I had no idea what I was doing, but it seemed to be going great. She was moaning and squirming. I’m really enjoying it and then all of the sudden she squirts. I was a little freaked out at first since I didn’t know it was coming. She apologized, I said don’t worry about it and went back down and made her squirt again. After the second time, we just sort of cuddled and talked a little more. She started rubbing my dick for round two. I busted in her mouth again and this time she sat on my face and squirted after a few minutes. Unfortunately she said she wanted this to be a one time thing and wasn’t interested in a relationship at that point in her life. Pretty cool first sexual experience, but still bummed that it was a one time thing with her. I’m still using Tinder, but haven’t met up with anybody else on there.
TL;DR: – Met my soul mate through Tinder and it was completely unexpected.
My Tinder story starts on Thanksgiving 2013. I was living in Brooklyn at the time, but was in Massachusetts visiting family.
I was bored, newly single, and fairly buzzed from my departed grandfathers old scotch. I saw an adorable girl with a black lab and I swiped right.
She did as well, and we began messaging each other. It’s clear that she has an excellent dry + sarcastic sense of humor. We decide to meet north of Boston for a drink.
I park and start walking towards the bar. I see her looking at me from her car – she gets out and shakes my hand. I’m delighted by how cute she is in person. Those big, beautiful eyes.
As soon as we walk in, a very drunk middle aged woman tells me that she likes my glasses. She was quite chatty, and my date looked on with an amused and charming smile. She seemed to enjoy how I dealt with the situation.
We sit down and talk. Conversation is slow at first. She is 30. I’m 28. I’m newly single, and she’s divorced for 1.5 years. We were both a bit shy, but we made each other laugh. I’m trying to suppress this “ah-HA” type of emotion, but it keeps getting stronger by the minute.
We keep talking, and the crowd around us erodes into inebriation. There is yelling, there is dancing, there is Lil John piping through the speaker system. Aww skeet skeet motherfucker.
We decide to try another bar. We clearly like each other, but the previous venue was a bit of a hell hole. Nothing is open since were in the burbs. She mentioned that her fitness studio is nearby. But it’s thanksgiving and we’re in MA and there’s nowhere to buy wine. She is sweet. She has gone from cute to beautiful. I’m compelled to spend as much time with her as I can. She is so funny.
I mention, sheepishly, that I have a bottle of whiskey in my car. I give her several outs, as I don’t want to creep her out. She feels comfortable enough to have a drink in her studio with me.
We go up. I’m still in hookup mode, but I clearly feel something special. After a few minutes, I try to reconcile this confusion by kissing her. She doesn’t reciprocate. I’m embarrassed. I apologize. She apologizes and tells me that she liked it, she just wasn’t expecting it. She wasn’t sure if I was having a good time. I smile, because I know that I’m somehow having the time of my life.
We admit how nervous we are and decide to take it slow. We listen to Neon Indian. We discover a mutual love for Elliott Smith. We tell each other things we haven’t told those closest to us. We hold hands for hours.
We kiss again and this time it’s electric.
She is tipsy. Its late and she needs to teach a fitness class early in the morning. I don’t want her to drive or to have to sleep in her studio, so I offer her a ride. I tell her I’m exhausted and that I want to stay over. I want to sleep next to her. I promise to be a gentleman. She agrees.
We get to her place and I meet her dog. He is gregarious and has a distinguished name.
We put on music and go to bed. We make love. It’s wonderful and nerve wracking and I’m fairly petrified. We sleep, wake, make love again. It’s suddenly 7am. I’m sad.
I drive her back to her studio, where her car is parked nearby. I buy her a coffee, we tell each other how much we enjoyed last night. We make plans for Saturday. I walk away feeling like I met my soul mate.
We text non stop and then spend Saturday and Sunday together. I leave for NYC on Monday. She is going to visit. She keeps giving me outs in case I change my mind but I won’t.
She visits 2 weeks later and have the best weekend of our lives. We decide that we want to be together.
Countless miles and Spotify playlists later, we moved in together in Boston in April. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and it’s the most wonderful and natural and healthy relationship I could ever hope for. It’s the kind of love that transcends words and songs and poetry.
I’m incredibly thankful. It gives me anxiety to think of how easy it would’ve been for us to never meet. It was completely inconvenient and unexpected and perfect.
We are happy. We are infinitely appreciative of one another. We wish we met sooner, but we know that we found each other right on time.
I chatted a girl up that had a nice dresser in one of her pics. I needed a dresser for my new house. She ended up selling it to me for $10. That was a good hookup.
I got Tinder about a month ago and met with my first live one last week. We had actually been messaging for about a week or two, pretty different schedules to blame, but we ended up meeting up for a concert which led to drinks which led to me inviting him back to my house which led to sex.
The sex lasted fucking forever and not in a good way. He was one of those drunks who just can’t fucking come and instead of admitting defeat just keeps pounding and pounding. Gentlemen, this is not desirable. Shit hurts after not too long. There is chafing involved. In the end I was just so over it that I rolled over and went to sleep. Sorry, dude. I’m giving him another chance this weekend with hopefully less alcohol so we’ll see.
I’ll give it a 5/10. Had sex, didn’t die, willing to try one more time.
My friend fucked this stripper with half a shaved head and facial tattoos. She told him that she had been smoking meth all morning and that she had a boyfriend. We later found out that she’s also pregnant. My friend said it was the best sex he’s ever had in his entire life.
It was horrible. I installed the app for fun and just to fuck around with when I’m bored, ended up matching with a girl and talked to her for like 2 weeks and exchanged numbers & FB info. She was pretty, seemed really cool, and we shared a lot in common. Eventually she said we should hang out, and I said sure. We met up at a mall and just walked around and talked for about an hour, and I left. After I left, I knew I wasn’t going to pursue her. Over text she seemed pretty cool, but in person she was just…off, idk I can’t really explain it. Anyway, within 2min of me getting back in the car, she texted me wanting to know my real opinion on her now. Kinda weird, but whatever she seems weird so I just replied saying yeah she’s cool and whatever. Big mistake. Over the course of the next 2 hours, I received over 80 texts, about 10 calls and a couple VMs, all of her crying and saying I need to move in with her and her Dad because she’s suicidal and I needed to take care of her. I was blunt with her in saying no and this can’t go on anymore and to stop contacting me, but nothing changed. I had to delete my FB profile, block her number, etc. I deleted the app after that.
TL:DR – Met a crazy.
I used it, I’m a fat ugly bastard, I matched with a girl who wasn’t too shabby looking, texted for a few days until we were both off. I picked her up, she was very cute, went to dinner at a Japanese steak house and had a good time, drank some sake. She suggested we go back to my place (woo!)
We stop by her apartment to get her car and she wants to get clothes. She follows me to my house and we make out in my driveway for a few and start to move towards the house, I’m excited, gunna get laid and all yessir, been a while.
So we are on my front porch and she goes “Eew, what’s that” and points to this baseball sized toad that hangs out on my porch, this is his 2nd year it there. Anyways I explain he is cool and I knock beetles off my porch light for to eat and stuff she walks over to him, looks at me, like intense eye contact and proceeded to slowly stomp on my toad.
Now at this point I was experiencing several emotions, shock, anger, rage. I shouted at her “wtf, why’d you do that” to which she replied “I wanted to make you mad so you’d fuck me hard.” I was speechless while I processed what I had just witnessed. I told her to get the Fuck of my property, she flips out, we yell back and forth, I sprayed her with the hose and she finally leaves only to show up 20 min later topless on my deck in the back yard. She had walked from down the road and pulled like 6 pickets down from my fence to get in the back yard.
Cops came, she cried her way out of trouble with them and left.
Tl;dr fat ugly bastard, solid 8 Tinderella, night of hibachi, sake, otphj, she stomped my porch toad, cops come, girl cries, gets let off.
Started flirting with this one girl. Eventually got her number and she texted me on a daily basis. After two weeks of getting to know each other she asks me to be her date at a super bowl party. Sounded fun to me so I thought “why not?”
She said party was at 5 but she wanted to come over around 330 even though it was a ten minute ride there. Totally figured she wanted to hook up first so I totally prepared myself for that. She shows up, I invite her in and I ask “how long before we have to leave?” she says it already started so we have to leave now. I thought that was weird but I got in the car and drove there with blue balls the whole way. It was at a restaurant she worked at and it was an employees and dates party. When we get there it pretty much hasn’t started. Big surprise. We talk for about an hour and get to know each other but it’s painful because she’s so shy. It was open bar but she doesn’t drink so I resisted the temptation.
Eventually her coworkers come and I meet them. She told me one of them was an ex. It didn’t really bother me. They seemed like good guys. A little on the scummy side though. They all looked like shaggy from Scooby-Doo. They’re all about 22 and have a kid or two and have low income jobs.
Eventually they convince her to drink. One sip becomes a whole drink and one drink becomes three. She is really drunk but still being kinda flirty. I didn’t drink anything and played it on the safe side because I was driving. The plan was to leave halfway through and go to a house party. So I drive her and her coworkers there. What a horrible idea. We get there and it’s one of the shittiest places I’ve ever seen. There was a 75 year old man playing Madden instead of watching the super bowl. There was kids running around while people were doing various drugs and talking about selling crack along with pregnant women drinking.
Little uncomfortable but fuck it. We all play a drinking game and then the girl goes to go to the bathroom down the hall. About 3 minutes later two of the coworkers go down the hall to the porch to smoke. About ten minutes goes by and her ex gets up to go see if the bathrooms open. He comes back and lays this on me: “John…. Uhh…. Jen is getting fucked by both those guys right now. Don’t go in the bathroom.”
I was absolutely stunned. I had no idea what to do. I sat there and just watched the super bowl. 5 minutes later she comes out literally pulling her pants up. She completely ignores me and continues playing. 5 minutes go by and she goes to smoke weed with another guy. One guy goes to check and comes back to let me know “Yeah sorry man she’s fucking him now too”. The guys at the table start saying how nice a guy I am and that it sucks that I’m her date and she’s fucked three guys. Then they start getting weird. They start whispering about me and pointing at me. Was entirely sure either was going to get my ass kicked. She comes back I tell her were leaving in 5. One guy at the table stops me and says “Wait! She’s already fucked Tim, Bill, and Mark, I figured me and Mike could get a go and you can have her the rest of the night!”
What. The. Fuck. I left immediately with her. Unfortunately her car is at my place. She kept saying the whole car ride that she hates it when this happens and this is why she doesn’t drink. Took the long way home because I knew she was drunk. She tried to prove she wasn’t by slapping herself and then saying “I’m not drunk, I see the three yellow lines in the road. I know there’s only two but that’s how I know I’m sober”. Tell her to stay for an hour knowing I could prolong it so she can sober up. She throws a hiss fit that her phones dead and her parents are looking for her. She says she has to drive home immediately. Get home. Say “K bye”. She apologies and leaves saying she’ll see me soon. Never talk to her again. She posts on Facebook for three weeks about how bad she fucked up, how her coworkers don’t take her seriously, and how she has to move because of it. “Oh.”
Tl;dr: went on date with girl, went to a drug house, she fucked three dudes and wouldn’t look at me.
The first person I met on Tinder peed on me. The second one called me the next day and accused me of drugging him at the bar. This was especially weird because he left alone without even saying goodbye to me. The third met me for lunch and was actively swiping on Tinder matches during the meal.
Ironically, I am still using Tinder.
I messaged this Indian girl late one night and ended up going to her place at around 6 am. She lived on the first floor of some dorms in a college across town. We got down to business immediately and slept after. She seemed pretty cool.
I woke up naked with a tight elastic band around my ankles (basically tied up my ankles). She had hidden my clothes. She insisted on spending the day together, but to make sure I didn’t run away, she didn’t tell me where my clothes were. So we’re sitting around, I’m still naked after 3 hours. She’s fully clothed now, and asking me all about myself. To make things even stranger, she wrote down each of my answers to her questions.
I waited until she left to use the bathroom, then I searched the entire dorm for my clothes. I found them in the refrigerator in the vegetable drawer. I got dressed SO damn quick, and jumped out of the window.
13. Nothing but games.
Oh boy! Back in January I started using it and was matched with a girl who happened to also be in engineering at the same school as me. We started talking and next thing I knew we had gone on a few dates and everything was going great.
A few days later I had a stats midterm, and while studying I got a text from her saying, “Hope your midterm goes well! Why don’t you come over for board games after?” Now I’m usually pretty oblivious, but “board games”? on a Friday night? Yeah, I’m getting laid.
So I finish my midterm, text her that I’m on my way and hop on a bus. The entire bus ride I’m smiling from ear to ear, waiting patiently until I finally arrive around 9:30pm.
I entered her place and bam, bottle of wine on the table. Yeah, I’m getting laid. I go and sit down, we start drinking and BAM! Settlers of Catan. We played for 2 hours. She hugs me goodnight and I leave. I didn’t get laid. Fuck.
I’m probably late to the party but I’ll share because my tinder story is terrible, and that’s what we’re all here to see.
I matched with this really cute girl, all of her pictures were professionally done, like senior pictures. We texted for a few days and she seemed alright, not exactly interesting or funny but, as any sane male using tinder, I wasn’t looking for anything more than a hookup.
One night she invited me to pick her up, because she was sneaking out of her house. I agreed and drove to her neighborhood to meet her. I called her when I was at the gate and she sounded funny, it sounded like she was eating and her mouth was full. Thought nothing of it and waited for her to come out.
She rounds the corner walking kinda funny, and wearing weird clothes, like clothes a 12 year old girl would wear. (we’re both 19) She gets in my car and she’s kinda making a funny face. As she reached to hold my hand without saying hello, it hit me. This girl was retarded.
Her little brother came running around the corner yelling telling her to come back because their parents were gonna go crazy. She yelled back out of my open window, “It’s ok, I’m with my boyfriend. He’s gonna take care of me.” I shit my fucking pants. I calmly told her she should probably go with her brother but she wouldn’t let go of my hand. After some convincing she went back with her brother and I sped the fuck out of there.
She called me about 20 times, texted me saying she needed me because her parents were going mental being mad at her. I sent one text back saying she should listen to them and not sneak out any more and never texted her again.
She still texts me to this day inviting me to go places with her family as her boyfriend, and I never reply.
Now I Skype everyone before I meet them in person.
15. Double vision.
I’m an identical twin. My brother was visiting me at school and I invited a girl I met on tinder over. He doesn’t use Tinder, but obviously didn’t want to be alone for the night so I used the app to get him a girl too.
She thought he was me the entire time all the way up until she left the next morning. Right before she left she asked my brother a question about my rugby team that he just couldn’t answer. I got some angry messages afterwards.
I was traveling to Riga, Latvia via bus from Estonia. I was planning to spent few days there to explore the city. LuxExpress has free WiFi so I was killing the time by looking at girls on Tinder. I started talking to this one local Brunette and we kinda hit it off, she suggested to meet her later on in town, and I agreed. After dropping off my stuff to the hostel I went to meet her in one of the local establishments, which sell drink.
When I entered the bar I was stunned by her looks, and to be honest I probably couldn’t get any intelligent comment out of me until I had downed few beers. Luckily she liked to talk, and kept telling me about the old town and Riga’s nightlife. I think I managed to ask few “intelligent” question about her and tell little about myself. We walked around the old town of Riga and talked for few hours and I thought everything was going really well. Later we met up with few of her friends and went to this one nightclub, we danced and generally had a good time. Towards the end of the evening I made out with her few times and was, lets just say more than excited of my prospects. She told me she’s going to the ladies room and decided that I had to have few drinks more to calm my nerves (I was on dry spell). We went back to my hostel and started making out (I had my own room). Then all of a sudden she stopped and game the price list pitch. At this point I was between furious and horny, seriously considering what I could afford. I ended up throwing her out of my room.
I wish that would have been the end of it but she started screaming and kicking the door, I ended up thrown out of the hostel with her, she threatens me to give her cash or “the boys” will come after me. She starts to follow me when I left to search for new accommodation. I walk few blocks listening to her threats and phone calls, at the end of the street I noticed few guys start to walking fast towards us. I have never ran so fast with a backpack in my life, not even in the army. I managed to lost them in this big park at the edge of Riga’s old town, by hiding in the bushes. I think I waited there for an hour or two, before proceeding back to the bus station and getting the hell out of Latvia.
Pretty happy with my story. Disclosure that I’m bi, but predominantly fool around with guys. I was in a opposite sex mood or something so found a girl on there. Good sense of humor, personality, that sort of thing. We wound up meeting up, hooking up… aaaand then kind of kept up with that frequently for weeks, then months, and so on.
Guess what’s annoying is that she was a perfect match for me. We were both well educated, I was finishing my JD, she had a double major and was getting into a Masters program. So we were both goal/career oriented, both into sports, oddly both the ‘same race’ which has been excessively rare for me (we’re both a black/white mix, this isn’t important for either of us but we were also the first black/white mix we had ever met let alone dated. First time I held someone’s hand who was the same color as me so… that was kind of cool). We loved the same jokes, just… a scary perfect match.
So, great sex, cool set of friends, she cooks well (I cook too but I’m part Caribbean and she is not a fan of spicy food and cooking without curry is foreign to me), our political views are different enough that we can still have a good discussion.
And then I finished law school and went to take the bar in another state. I’m off and on sitting around just wondering what the fuck am I doing and if I should just keep it going or what. She’s honestly the first and currently only person in my life that I genuinely thought was marry worthy.
TL;DR = practically found perfection and now I don’t know what the fuck to do.
18. Ohhh snap.
-Friend of a friends boyfriend thought he would be sly and try out tinder for a little side action.
-Girlfriend’s friend sees his pics on there and tells the GF.
-GF creates account with fake pictures and sets up a date with cheating BF.
-Boyfriend walks into restaurant bar to meet his date to find his actual GF.
-Shits a brick.
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